Now, before I reveal my answer, let me clarify. I only give this answer to someone who has never (or almost never) stepped into the gym and has never, with his own effort, Google for guides and answers about bodybuilding. So to say, he's asking me to summarize Bodybuilding 101 for him. It doesn't apply to someone who has put in some effort, trained pretty frequently and just want a few tips to move out from the plateau he's at.
Here it goes.
Dude-who-wants-to-build-muscle: Hey Wee Kiat, can you teach me how to build muscle?
Me: I'm not trying to be arrogant or anything, but can I not?
DWWTBM: But why?
Me: Because it's a long complicated process. And if I've told what you need to do, you'd probably not want to take the effort, cause it's huge change in lifestyle. So, I don't want to waste my voice and time to explain things for half an hour for no reason.
DWWTBM: But I seriously want to build muscle! I will go to gym, eat more and do everything!
Me: Many people have told me that, and after I've taught them every basic thing they need to know to build the body they want, they did not use a single tip from me. Not even one. If you're really committed, then I guess going online and finding information about building muscle shouldn't be a problem at all. You can go to Bodybuilding.com and type "Beginner's Mass Building Program" or something like that. Or you can visit my blog, Fabodylous.
DWWTBM: Fa-what?
Me: F.A.B.O.D.Y.L.O.U.S. Ok, I should have chosen an easier name to memorize. -_-"
DWWTBM: Ok, sure, I will. Thanks. :)
Now that wasn't too bad, right? Well, at least it's better than the conversations I used to have with DWWTBMs, which usually went like this.
DWWTBM: Hey Wee Kiat, can you teach me how to build muscle?
Me: Oh sure. First you need to... bla bla bla... train... bla bla bla... diet... bla bla bla... take supplements... bla bla bla... sell your soul... bla bla bla... (half an hour later)
DWWTBM: Har? Must I do all those? I just want to go to gym once a week and lift those 4kg dumbbells and eat normally oh. And supplements? What is that? Is it steroids? Are they expensive?
Me: Oh, that's not enough. You must at least do compound movements... bla bla bla... sell your kidney... bla bla bla... (another half an hour later)
DWWTBM: Wow. That's a lot of effort. You know what? I don't think I want to build muscle after all.
Me:
Answer this question with caution, my fellow bodybuilders. :D
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